


growing pains

by reallyraine



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Break Up, Canon Divergence, Diary/Journal, Hurt/Comfort, KenHina if you squint - Freeform, M/M, Personal Growth, Platonic Relationships, Social Anxiety, god i love maria mena, kuroyaku is implied, only because i forgot nekoma is like 5 hours away oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 10:53:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28470090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reallyraine/pseuds/reallyraine
Summary: “I think we should break up.” It was at that moment Kenma’s head snapped up from the game, stopping in his place.Kenma goes on a journey of personal growth.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio (implied), Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	growing pains

**Author's Note:**

> title and general idea based on growing pains by maria mena.

It was a walk back from school, much like any other day Kenma Kozume and Kuroo Tetsurou would have together. Winter break was only a few weeks away, in fact. They had been dating for nearly a year, and Kenma was glad to admit he couldn’t be happier. But that wasn’t the case for both of them.

“Are you okay, Kuro?” Kenma asked, noticing that his companion had seemed quieter.

“Yes, Kenma. Just thinking,” He responded.

“Don’t do too much of that, it’ll stress you out,” Kenma said. He was playing a game on his 3DS, being almost completely absorbed into it.

“No, it’s not that, it’s just…” Kuroo trailed off. “I think we should break up.” It was at that moment Kenma’s head snapped up from the game, stopping in his place.

“Wh—” He started.

“I just don’t think it’s working out for us anymore. I don’t have feelings for you,” Kuroo said, the last part stinging much more than Kenma would ever imagine words could. Every conversation, every moment they’d spent together, every date, every time Kuroo comforted Kenma. It felt like a lie. It felt like Kuroo had left a gaping hole in Kenma’s heart he didn’t know how to close.

“O-oh,” Was all Kenma mustered up to say.

“I’m sorry, Kenma,” Kuroo had said, before looking back at him. He gave a pained smile and walked ahead to his house. Kenma was stunned. He stumbled home and ran immediately upstairs to crash onto his bed. He had flung his bag and 3DS and for a long while he just cried. He cried until his eyes were red and his nose was stuffy. And eventually, his breathing calmed and he fell into a welcome slumber.

The coming weeks were almost unbearable. Keyword: _almost_. Kenma was lucky he had his games. He spent most of his time on them during his lunch break and immersed himself in the games. It was the only way he could be able to refrain from sobbing his way through the whole day.

Some nights he would cry so much he couldn’t breathe. Some nights he was angry. Some nights he felt numb. Everything reminded him of Kuroo. Everything was a reminder of what he couldn’t have. What he had lost.

He stopped coming to practice for the first week. Kuroo had sent him a few messages, but every time he did so much as look at the contact it made him cry. So he ignored the messages. Kuroo didn’t walk with him to school anymore, didn’t talk to him during school, didn’t text him, call him. Because Kenma had completely shut himself off.

When winter break finally came, Kenma shut himself in his room. It was only when he got a message from Shouyou that he actually got some sunshine. The message had read, ‘hi kenma! i hope you’re having a good winter break!! do you want to meet up and talk sometime?’ with a little happy emote at the end. Kenma pondered his response for a while before typing out ‘hello shouyou. that sounds good, when do you want to meet up?’. After a while of texting, they decided they would meet the next day at a new cafe that had just opened. Shouyou, of course, had suggested it because of the sweets they had. Kenma agreed because he thought it would be nice to see someone. (Another part of him would’ve said he probably needs the coffee.) He planned to bring a few games with him, just in case Shouyou wanted to hear about them or play with him. Maybe he wasn’t as lonely as he thought.

When the next day arrived, Kenma dragged himself out of bed. He made an effort to look presentable, slipping on a slightly oversized grey sweater with some black jeans. He hesitated as he went to wash his face, looking in the mirror a moment longer than normal. His dark circles were noticeable, and normally he wouldn’t think past it, but a pang of insecurity struck him. Kenma tucked in the sweater and grabbed his bag before leaving the house. He sent a message to Shouyou, notifying him that he was leaving the house. It was a short walk to get there. Kenma lingered around the entrance before he saw Shouyou. It wasn’t like he was incapable of getting a table himself, but talking to strangers was always hard for him. It was much easier to just wait for someone else to do it. Shouyou gave him a big grin as he waved, which Kenma returned with a small wave in return.

They sat down, ordered food, and started catching up on things they’d done in the time between their last meeting. Shouyou talked about his team for a long while. Especially about Kageyama. Those two had always seemed… close, to say the least. Kenma was certain the way Shouyou’s eyes lit up whenever he talked about him had to mean something.

Finally, Shouyou’s expression changed.

“How are you? Honestly, I mean,” Shouyou made eye contact with Kenma.

“I’m fine,” Kenma responded.

“Really? You’ve been more quiet than usual, and you haven’t said anything about practice or volleyball. Not to mention you haven’t been playing any kind of game,” Shouyou rambled.

“Alright, I guess I wasn’t very believable anyway,” Kenma sighed. “Kuroo and I broke up.”

“Oh,” Shouyou said. He was quiet for a long time. “I’m really sorry,” He finally responded.

“It was right before break,” Kenma added.

“So a little more than a week, huh?” Shouyou asked. “Do you know why?”

“The only reasoning he gave me was that he doesn’t love me anymore,” Kenma rubbed his eyes, hoping it looked more like it was out of exhaustion than sadness.

“Jeez, that’s gotta be rough,” He said.

“Pretty rough,” Kenma agreed.

“Have you been taking care of yourself at least?” Shouyou pressed. Kenma looked down at his food. “Kenma…”

“I know. I’m trying, but it’s hard to get myself to do anything but cry,” Kenma rolled his eyes. “Being all honest about your feelings sucks. Who decided that was the right way to go?”

“Feelings are kinda weird in general. But it’s good that you’re at least being honest with me,” Shouyou gave the other a smile.

“I guess,” Kenma mumbled.

“Do you want to come to our team get-together? It’ll be a few days from now, and if I know you, you’ve probably not been out since winter break started,” Shouyou offered.

“That’s true. I’ll see if I’m up for it,” He said to the shorter, brighter boy.

“Alright! That sounds good,” Shouyou agreed.

They talked for a while after that. Kenma was grateful for the fact he had someone looking out for him. He wasn’t sure how well he would get along with the rest of the Karasuno team, but he figured since he wasn’t going to practice it would be worth a shot.

The next day getting out of bed was easier. Kenma had had a small conversation with Shouyou in the morning, before going to the convenience store near his house. He put on sweats and made his way. He remembered seeing an article a while ago that journals were good for taking note of feelings. He was never big on feelings and mushy stuff, but maybe a journal would make it easier to spill his thoughts somewhere. So Kenma entered the store and walked over to the stationery section.

Eventually, he decided on a plain black notebook. It was nothing special, but it didn’t have to be. He walked up to the cashier, paid, and left. His feet felt like a cycle, walking and propelling him forward. Kenma recalled how almost a week ago, even walking out of his room felt so draining and so much like a chore. He took note of how far he was now. It was a small victory, but still important to him.

Kenma sat down and opened the journal. He filled out the first page, with his name and where to contact if the journal was lost (not that he was likely to take it anywhere, but it was a nice thought). He stared at the next page, and without realizing it, his hand started writing and it wouldn’t stop. Everything that he had felt within the past week began spilling out of him. All his unspoken thoughts, things he hadn’t even thought about before, how he wondered about Kuroo, how he wondered how long Kuroo had felt the way he did, it really was everything. And if he shed a few tears, that was okay. 

The entry ended up a little less than three pages. Kenma read over it, and as he did he felt a weight lifted off of his shoulders. It was nice. He decided he would tell Shouyou about it later on.

Between the days of then to when Kenma had planned to meet with the Karasuno team, he had kept journaling. He had even looked into prompts for different types of journaling, and the best notebooks as well as pens for them. He hated to admit it, but he was beginning to enjoy journaling. He had always been more of a logical person than anything else, so it was strange to have his feelings put out there so much.

Shouyou had told him that the team would be meeting at Karasuno’s gym. He had informed him that it would be to catch up and practice. Kenma wasn’t sure how much he would involve himself in the practicing part since he wasn’t on the team, but he would make an effort to talk to others at least. About as soon as he walked into the gym, he heard the shouting of familiar voices. The higher-pitched being Shouyou, the lower-pitched Kageyama. He also heard Tsukishima laughing at them. It wasn’t much of a laugh so much as a snicker, but he was definitely getting a kick out of their argument.

Shouyou turned his head and bolted towards Kenma.

“KENMA!!” He shouted, ramming into him with full force. Kenma thought maybe it was supposed to be a hug.

“That’s my name,” He responded.

“I’m glad you came! Although I may have forgotten to tell everyone you were here. The only people I told ahead of time were Suga and Kageyama. Whoops,” Shouyou smiled, rubbing the back of his head.

“It’s fine, I guess,” The other nodded.

Everyone had their own mini-groups, and Shouyou seemed to float between them all. He talked to Kageyama first, which was an adventure in itself— the two were like toddlers. The attempt to talk with Tsukishima and Yamaguchi was particularly entertaining as well. Tsukishima had practically ignored him for the first few minutes, pretending to put on his headphones and listen to music while Shouyou yelled at him. Yamaguchi and Kenma just laughed. Kenma figured maybe he would be able to talk to Yamaguchi.

“You’re Yamaguchi, right?” Kenma asked, still trying to recover from the laughter.

“Yes, that’s me. Hinata talks about you quite a lot. Always gets excited when we have practice games against Nekoma,” Yamaguchi said. Kenma smiled at that.

“He’s very energetic, isn’t he? I wonder if he _ever_ gets tired,” Kenma responded.

“I know, the only time he does is after a big game or on our bus rides,” Yamaguchi let out another round of laughter, this one softer.

Eventually, Hinata gave up on trying to talk to Tsukishima, but Kenma stayed where he was as the other boy stormed off to talk to the third years. He made small conversation for a short while after that. He learned Yamaguchi and Tsukishima frequently listened to music together and that they had been friends since elementary school. The two had an interesting contrast. Tsukishima came off as cold, and outright rude, while Yamaguchi was polite and kind to others. Yamaguchi assured him Tsukishima wasn’t as cold as he appeared, but Kenma supposed he would have to stick around to find out.

When the third years rounded them up to play a few practice games, Kenma told them he would sit out. They were split into smaller groups of 6, that way everyone got a chance to play. The mini-teams also allowed more flexibility, so some of the second years were able to play different positions. He mostly watched Shouyou’s gameplay. It seemed like every time he saw him he’d become quicker and could jump higher. His team included Ennoshita and Sugawara. The other side was Azumane, Tanaka, and Tsukishima. Kageyama was the one who always seemed to work best with accuracy (and Shouyou), but Sugawara was the one who brought out everyone’s individual talents. He knew how each of them played best and adjusted to that. Kenma figured this was probably because he was always watching during matches, and because of his close relationships with many of the members.

After a few rounds, Sugawara insisted that Kenma switch out with him.

“You look like you’re dying to play,” He’d told him. Maybe that was true, he did enjoy playing the game, he loved watching it even more.

“Alright, I could play a set or two,” Kenma agreed. As soon as he set the ball, he felt like whatever he had been missing had suddenly clicked into place. He tossed it to Shouyou, who spiked it mere seconds after it left Kenma’s fingertips. He continued to play until they won the match. They had won the first set with no problem, lost the second, and regained their lead with the third. It ended up being the last match of the day, and Kenma had to admit he had enjoyed himself a lot.

When it was time to leave, he felt a little sad he couldn’t stay longer. He’d felt welcome with Karasuno, and had even received Yamaguchi’s contact info. When Kenma got home, he sent a quick text to him and set his belongings down in his room. He opened his journal and made his daily entry, painting the pages with a sea of black ink. Once he had finished, he thanked Shouyou for pushing him to see others. He said that he was feeling much better and that he was glad he came. Kenma laid on his bed and felt his heart swell. It was an odd feeling, but he was proud. He was changing and growing more than he would ever have been able to if he was still with Kuroo.

Before Kenma knew it, winter break had ended. It felt like both an eternity and only a few days. Kuroo wasn’t there when Kenma left for school, but he hadn’t expected him to be. He figured he may as well check the different messages Kuroo had sent him over the course of the break. There were at least forty of them, a quarter just from the first day since they’d broken up. Most of them were just reminders to eat and take care of himself. Kenma smiled at the fact that he was still being looked out for even if they weren’t talking.

The day breezed by, and though it was a little lonely sitting on his own at lunch, Kenma hadn’t been ready to face Kuroo yet. He didn’t want to respond to anything over text either, so he waited for volleyball practice to arrive. He was itching to get back to practice.

Once his classes were finally over with, he headed to the gym. He was afraid of facing Kuroo, and he had come to terms with it. It _had_ been over two weeks since they’d last spoken. Letting out a sigh, he opened the door and entered. As soon as he had, he felt all eyes on him. He swallowed his fear and walked over. Kuroo and Yaku looked like they had just been talking, standing closer than usual. It stung a little, seeing them like that, but Kenma disregarded it.

“Kenma,” Kuroo started, his face a mix of confusion and astonishment. Kenma looked over to Yaku, and he read their expressions, leaving to talk to someone else.

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” Kenma said. “I needed space, but ghosting you completely was not the best of ways to tell you that. I’ve seen your texts, and I’ve been taking care of myself. I even took up journaling.”

“That’s good. You really scared me, not talking and all,” Kuroo responded, his face softening.

“I know, I won’t do it again,” He promised.

“You better not,” Kuroo said, smiling.

“I’ve also been talking to Shouyou. He checked in on me, and we met at a café. I even went over to their gym and played a match with them,” Kenma rambled.

“Sounds like you’ve been keeping yourself busy,” The other noted. He nodded.

“I’m okay now,” Kenma said.

And he was. Maybe it would take time for him to be able to move on, or for the twinge of pain to leave when he saw Kuroo, but he was okay. He was growing, and with growth came growing pains. Growing pains that fade with time and lead to something new.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much to galaxy-of-me for reading this and listening to me talking about it for. at least two months. you’re a lifesaver, dude! i thought posting this would be appropriate since i’m about to finish my winter break, and i’ve thought about this concept for a while now. i adore kenma, and i hope you enjoyed reading! if you’d like to contact me to talk about writing, my writeblr is raineywrites. my main blog is reallyraine if you’d like to talk about kenma, kuroken, haikyuu!!, or the like. :)  
> p.s. comments are always appreciated !!


End file.
